Friday Fantasy: Milk

As the Christmas holidays approach, there comes bad news. First, the best truffle chocolates in the land—indeed, any land—have sold out everywhere. Second, when they do come back into stock, they are not sold reputable outlets and vendors, and although they all of the correct branding, they are far inferior to the truffle chocolates that everyone knows and loves. What has happened to the best truffle chocolates in the land—indeed, any land? Is the maker ill? Has his supply of milk gone sour? The makers are, in fact, a tribe of Merfolk, who live in a lake of pure milk under a mountain, and it is this milk that ensures the creamy quality of the best truffle chocolates in the land—indeed, any land, made together with the Dwarf servants to the King and Queen of the Merfolk under the mountain. And surely this calamity cannot be allowed to continue? Someone should be sent to check on the King and Queen, their tribe of the Merfolk, their Dwarf servants, and the production of the best truffle chocolates in the land—indeed, any land. Perhaps a chocolate connoisseur might employ such a useful party? Or a tribe of Merfolk want news of their fellow tribe that live under the mountain? Or perhaps a rival group of chocolate makers want the secret to the best truffle chocolates in the land—indeed, any land? Any or all of these could be used as hooks for Quick Delve #1: Milk.

Quick Delve #1: Milk is an adventure for OldSchool Essentials from Necrotic Gnome and is designed to be played with Player Characters of Second Level. The scenario is the first in the publisher’s ‘Quick Delve’ series. Each is designed for one or two sessions’ worth of play and is intended to be perfect for side quests, one-shots, and conventions, as well as easily into any campaign. The scenario starts outside the mountain factory in front of double doors on which has been scrawled, “All Hail the Chocolatier, Goddess of Chocolate!”. Which does not bode well for what ever is inside. Fortunately, the Chocolate Golems with their chocolate drop-shaped heads with glowing orange candy-coated eyes and smelling of rich dark, chocolate, will readily let the Player Characters in, and the cagey, if rather jolly and waggish Skeletons in their purple monastic robes would prefer to have a song and dance than fight. However, the deeper the Player Characters penetrate into the chocolate factory, the more the Chocolate Golems and Skeletons turn against the Player Characters. As the fights from encounter to the next escalate, the Player Characters quickly discover many things awry in the chocolate faction. One is that the chocolate can have magical effects, for both the best truffle chocolates in the land—indeed, any land—and the chocolate that seems to being made in the chocolate factory now. The latter is like to have more negative effects than eating the best truffle chocolates in the land—indeed, any land, though they can be additive. There is a pool of rancid milk. A distraught King of the Merfolk. And then there is the glum workforce. The Dwarves. Who are described as having “Orange skin, green hair, and white eyebrows.” In other words, they are not Dwarves, but Oompa-Loompas. The workforce in the factory in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl. And yes, Milk in inspired by Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Which all makes sense with its chocolate theme. Milk then, is a seasonal dungeon or adventure, one that the Game Master might run as a seasonal break from the rest of the campaign at Christmas. There is no Christmas theme to the scenario, but there is a tweeness and a sweetness. The problem is, there is not much else.

If you were to remove the sweetness and the tweeness from Milk, you would be left with a bland dungeon with no plot beyond ‘less skilled manufacturer takes over factory of much more skilled rival, imprisons their family, and puts out inferior product; Player Characters have to clean it up.’ Which would be fine if the NPCs had a character or personality, and if there is no personality, there is no roleplaying. Unfortunately, in Milk none of the NPCs have any personality, least of all the villain of the piece, ‘The Chocolatier’. She should at least get a cackle, if not a parcel of chocolate-themed puns, but nothing. A villain should be memorable. This one is not, at least not as written. The scenario leaves it up to the Game Master to decide the personalities and attitudes of the NPCs, so giving her yet more work to do.

Yet, Quick Delve #1: Milk is competently written in a mechanical sense. There is some play with the chocolate theme, especially in the random effects of eating the chocolates and the best truffle chocolates in the land—indeed, any land, the scalding hot chocolate-spitting chocolate worm in its molten chocolate pool, and the Chocolate Sceptre of Control—solid chocolate, encrusted with candied cherries—which can cast Charm Person. But there are no chocolate-themed spells or other magical items.

Then there is inspiration, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Roald Dahl’s writing was not sweet in its tone, it was sour too, veering into the grotesque and the comic. There is none of that in Milk. Just the sweetness. As something inspired by Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the scenario only takes partial inspiration from it and is all the worse as a result. As a pastiche of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory it is barely half a pastiche.

Physically, Quick Delve #1: Milk is serviceably presented. The layout is clean and tidy, the map easy to read, the artwork reasonable, and if perhaps tending towards the succinct, the scenario is easy to run.

There is a market for seasonal adventures, whether set at Christmas or other times of the year, but Quick Delve #1: Milk is unsuitable for all of them. Whilst as a ‘Quick Delve’ scenario, it can be run in a session or two, but as a side quest or a convention scenario, why would you? The tone is unlikely to match any other scenario or setting and as a convention scenario, it does not showcase Old School Essentials in a very good light. The design is perfunctory at best, the tone is one note, and the villain viciously underwritten. Quick Delve #1: Milk is easily the worst scenario that Necrotic Gnome has ever published. Not because it it is bad, but because it is boring.